| bored as all hell |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|05:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the reason by hoobastank(i think thats how its spelled..idk) | ] |
at the moment i am really bored. i found out how bad i need a life. since makin the decision not to talk to caitlyn and megean, they called me while i was watchin a movie :-\ so i ended up talkin a while to megean but then i got off the phone to watch the movie and then caitlyn called but i just got off quickly cause i was watchin the movie. but anyways, i have spent most of my time tryin not to think bout them. its a lot harder than i thoguht it would be. in band yesturday i was gettin out my music and found the pics of them that i had printed out like a week ago....i almost started cryin right there in band. luckily i was able to stop myself but my friend Jen could tell something was up. She knos bout the whole thing but not my recent decision. anyways so i've been doin everything i can to not think bout them. i have finished two books and i killed the batteries on my cd player from listenin to it so long at night cause otherwise while tryin to sleep i thin of them, so i listen to my cd instead. readin is actually the only thing that gets my mind off everything. when i listen to my cd i think bout how the songs apply to everything goin on in my life. i cried myself to sleep the last two nights :-\ but anyways so i read a lot. also i've started like 4 movies and finished 2. the otehr two i have to finish when i get the chance. but i find myself thinkin bout things instead of concentratin on the movies which defeats the point. i also find myself questionin, and perculatin as Mr. Demers would say (for those who don't kno perculatin means thinkin deeply...mostly philisophical/belief questions such as would u have dropped the atomic bomb, do u beleive it was right etc...) i've thought a lot bout the draft and how womn would not be drafted and wonderin bout that and whether i could get that changed or could live to see it changed. in a way i'd like to be drafted. i'd like to oin the military and go fight on the front lines where i could be killed. i'd have a purpose to my life again, a reason for livin, and if i died maybe my death would mean something. right now, i figured out that if i died, i would probably be forgotten in like a week by most people and only my family would take a little longer. and i would have died havin accomplished nothin. i have things i want to do before i die but most people would laugh at those ideas and call them folly (foolish). so i now wake up and wonder at the purpose of my life. what am i supposed to do? there is only one reason i refuse to commit suicide. i can't get into heaven. at least i don't believe i could get into heaven...i don't really kno for sure. but all i have done in my life is cause pain, mess up everything i do, lie, decieve, everything bad and sinful. why would god want someone like me in heaven? so i live each day now lookin at all my failures and wonderin if i can live to change, change myself so that i never make the same mistakes again, and also change my life so that i have purpose, motivation. i can't keep livin like i am now, tryin to forget and failin miserably. my cd player won't last long the way i'm usin it and i'll eventually run out of books to read. and i can't live my life in a fantasy world forever, i eventually have to face the things i'm runnin from. but for the moment i am doin all i kno how. the past few days i've felt a fire slowly growin inside me. i don't kno how to let it out but i kno when i finally do its goin to be big. i feel the need to run, to run and never stop runnin...if only my lungs would support me but no i have to have breathin difficulties when i run, and the stupid cough that won't go away...i want to disappear into the forest and find my own way around and leave people behind. all people...i want to go far away from everything familiar and start over where no one knos me....or better where there is no one. being alone is not that bad tho many people seem to think it is. bein alone in nature is the most peaceful thing in the world. thats where i first saw heaven as hard as that is to believe. i was on a cruise to bermuda on my 13 birthday. i started feeling seasick at breakfast (my brother and mom were already in our room both seasick) so i excused myself and went up on deck. i threw up over the side and then rested my head on the railing. something told me to look up and out. i saw the horizon stretchin for miles in every direction, untouched and undisturbed by humankind. i looked up at the clouds which were a certain shade of pink which i can't describe. some of the clouds...most of the clouds were shapeless...shifting and slowly movin by...but there was one group of clouds. in that group i saw a castle of sorts. it wasn't exactly a castle...i can still see it clearly in my mind. i looked away and then back as tho to prove it was really there. it was. i stood lookin at it for a long time. at that moment i felt completely at peace with myself and the world around me. i stayed there for a while watchin it and would have stayed longer except my dad and bro came lookin for me to see if i was ok since i had been sick. as i followed them back into the boat i looked back one last time to convince myself it was real and it was still there and i felt the peace again. my stomach no longer bothered me. right now i'd give anything to feel that peace...and when i'm alone with nature i feel it again as sure as anything. thats y i love campin and hikin alone and stuff like that, cause then i can feel that peace course through me and i feel ok again and i can face whatever i need to face with a renewed energy. i need that right now. badly. but i don't have the opportunity and when i do i can't take it :-\ so until then this fire i need to release keeps growin and i fear it will burst soon...i just wish i knew when it would and how if its goin to. but anyways i've written enouhg so i'm goin to stop before i write a whole boook bout my feelins...which i could cause i've been thinkin bout them enough! |
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| I give up |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|05:13 pm] |
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I give up. It hurts too much. I quit. Everytime I see the words or think bout it, I want to die. I can't live like this. So I quit. I just have to let go 100% even if it kills me. Cause I can't live like this. Zero contact from now on. Its the only way. I have to. Because every time I help out or hear bout their troubles I want to heal them. But I can't. I have to give them both up completely. I can't keep hurtin like this. My heart can't take it. I have to give up. So if u read this, when u read this...goodbye.....and I'm sorry it turned out like this. I messed up and I will have to live w/ that. Its my fault. I'm sorry. |
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| i lied |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|04:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Whiskey Lullaby...really fits my mood thats for sure | ] |
I never thoguht I'd lie to Megean...I really didn't. But then again is it lyin when I'm doin for Megean? I kno shes happy with Caitlyn and Caitlyn's happy with her. So me lyin sayin I'm ok with it isn't really lyin is it? I don't kno. But I also didn't kno how much it would hurt to think of them together. But its too late now and I would never want them to split up on account of me. I just have to learn to let go. I wish it were easy but its the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. But it must be done. I hope the two of them last forever together and have lots of good times. I wish that I could just forget the pain and be glad for them like I should be. But I can't. Everytime I see Caitlyn's pro sayin how much she loves Megean, I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart. Its not Megean's fault and its not Caitlyn's fault. Its just a fact. And until I can learn to live with the fact that they belong together, its goin to hurt. Maybe I should avoid tlakin to them and it'll hurt less. I kno I'd miss them, but don't I miss them anyway? So I guess this is it. Here are my feelins laid bare for the world to see. And if I never talk to Megean and Caitlyn again, I hope they understnad that its because I love them, and not because I'm mad at them. That may not make sense, but little makes sense in the world. Its just the way it has to be. I hope they have happiness for a lifetime and I'll always be there if they need me. But I have to let go. Even tho it hurts. I have to do it for them. I kno they probably wouldn't understand that...but if I keep bein there where they would think buot how I might feel, then they might end up doin somethin just to not hurt me. And I don't want that. So from this point on I will talk to them as little as possible and use all my will power to not do anything that will cause them to break up. I wish them the best. |
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| Wasted time |
[May. 17th, 2005|04:14 pm] |
Every day love is found
Every day love is lost
No one knows where they is bound
Until their love is tossed
Life is time wasted
And never returned
Moments lost and minutes cost
Because of love’s demise
Pain it comes and never leaves
As all the years go by
One hurt gone another comes
Until the end of time
Every minute someone laughs
Every second someone cries
No one knows how much it means
Until they’ve broke the ties
Life is time wasted
And never returned
Moments lost and minutes cost
Because of love’s demise
Pain it comes and never leaves
As all the years go by
One hurt gone another comes
Until the end of time
Every day someone smiles
Every hour someone frowns
No one sees the pain of life
The world thrown off its feet
Life is time wasted
And never returned
Moments lost and minutes cost
Because of love’s demise
Pain it comes and never leaves
As all the years go by
One hurt gone another comes
Until the end of time
No one knows the pain of life
No one sees the pain of love
No one hears the hurt of tears
No one lives the pain of loss
Till they have loved another
And lost them just the same
But went on just living
In a world of endless rain
Life is time wasted
And never returned
Moments lost and minutes cost
Because of love’s demise
Pain it comes and never leaves
As all the years go by
One hurt gone another comes
Until the end of time |
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| feelins i wrote durin study |
[May. 5th, 2005|06:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
What should I wirte? I wanna say what i'm feelin, the thoughts that r circlin in my head. But I don't kno how to put them into words. Megean means everything to me. She has given me a reason to be happy, to enjoy life, a reason to want to live. So whats the problem? Why do i feel torn up as tho someone stabbed my heart with a knife? It isn't Megean's doin because she does all she can to ease the pain. But the pain stays and a cloud of sorrow surrounds me. I can't shake it off. The cause is so hard to find. I kno part of the reason is that fight in my mind that being lesbian is ok. But there is more. I just can't figure out what it is. I think its fear. Fear of rejection, of being hurt, of messin up. Fear of everything. All my life I have acted tough, as tho I was afraid of nothing. I would eat a spider on a dare to prove how fearless I was. But inside, the entire world was one big monster waitin to hurt me. And I was afraid. I avoid going to the store because I'm afraid of being around the people there or havin to talk to the cashier. I'm afraid of goin to school because I'm sure I'll say the wrong things at the wrong times and become the outcast of the school. But I needn't worry bout that...I already am. I'm the one who sits alone at lunch, who never works in a group. I'm the one everyone knows of but no one knows anything about. I keep it that way because then I don't have to be afraid of getting hurt, or sayin the wrong things. I don't trust people. I don't know how. Only one person has gained my trust100% and that person is Megean. I don't kno how. Somehow I just trusted without even wanting to. Maybe I'm settin myself up to be hurt...but I am willing to risk it. But I won't say I'm not afraid. I am still scared of the dark, scared to sleep with my closet door open, scared of the monsters under the bed. It seems foolish but its true. Only one place doesn't scare me: the woods. I'm not afraid of the dark in the forest, not afraid of what might be with me. I feel at peace, at home, content when I'm out there. But when I return to civilization, I'm afraid again. I can keep on pretending I'm tough, actin as tho nothin can bother me. But its all a lie. And right now I have to face my greatest fears. The ones of trust, rejection, hurt, and love. Because I have fallen in love. Whether I meant to or not, I have given Megean my heart. And now I feel like I've lost control. That is what scares me most of all. I once swore to myself that after that moment, I would remain in control for the rest of my life. I owuld never have any alcohol or drugs cause they would take away my control. I'd be at the mercy of others. And I owuld never let that happen again. But I never counted on love. Love takes away rational thought. I no longer have complete control because I con't just think about me. Megean has control over me. And that scares me more than anything else. I kno what its like to have no control over whats happenin to u. Its the most frightenin thing in the world. To this day I feel guilty even tho I had no control. Its the way of the world. But I don't want to lose it again. But I'm goin to. I'm givin Megean control. She has my heart. And I'm just goin to have to try and trust that she'll do right with it. I love her. I love her sooo much. And thats one thing that I kno will never change. |
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| unsure |
[May. 3rd, 2005|09:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
ugh...i don't kno what to say....lately i've been havin doubts. not bout megean but bout megean. i love her sooo much but i never really accepted the fact that i like girls. its something i still have trouble even thinkin. so now that i reallly care bout someone sooo strongly, i really have to deal w/ this issue. its hard because my family is against it. but megean always knos what to say to make me feel better when i hurt...and since shes come into my life i no longer dread the start of each new day. i get up and think bout how as soon as i get home from school i will talk to her and thinkin bout her gets me through each day. when thoguhts of her pop into my head i smile no matter where i am or what i'm doin. but these thoguhts and these feelins scare me. i never accepted myself like this and never thought i could truely be happy w/ another girl. but i am and now i'm scared that it really is a bad thing even tho it makes me sooo happy. i just wish i could accept that this happiness is real and its ok to feel the way i feel. i wish i didn't have to hide it from my parents...but i guess wishin is just good in fairy tales...cause none of my wishes have ever come true cept one...the one i wished everyday for as long as i can remember....the wish for someone who would love me as much as i loved them. that person is megean and i thank god everyday for givin her to me. i just wish i knew it was god who gave her to me....that he could love me just the way i am. if i could believe that in my heart....then i'd be all set cause if i kno god loves me...then i've got more love then anyone on earth could ever give me...and i'd kno that the love i have for megean is ok...and that would make me the happiest person on earth! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2005|06:34 pm] |
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u kno that u really care bout someone when u worry bout them whenever ur not with them. thats how i am w/ megean. when i'm not talkin to her all i can do is wonder when i will get to again. when i'm most scared the thought of her gives me the courage i need to go on. when i'm hurtin she will pop into my head and stop my tears. all i need in my life to make me happy is her. she is my guardian angel and my shinin star. and when she is hurtin or sick, all i wnat to do is be by her side helpin her feel better. i wish i could take away all her pain and sickness, but i can't. and that sux. but i hope that i'm always here for her to help her through the pain. and if thats all i can do, i hope i do it well! |
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| thoughts |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|04:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lethargic | ] |
i've never been very good at expressing myself but i'm ogin to try. this may sound stupid but its just my best effort at sayin whats goin on in my head. i've never trusted anyone w/ my heart, pieces or whole. i never let anyone get close enough to me to have the ability to make me smile and cry w/ just a few words. even my closest friends were never very close because i would never let them be. but then someone found a chink in my armor. that person was caitlyn. i ended up bein a screwup and ruinin everythin. after we broke up, megean came along to help me as i helped her. we connected in a way i've never connected w/ anyone. i never get bored of talkin to her, i smile just at the thought of her, and i am never afraid to just be me when i'm talkin to her. but somehow i still find ways to feel inadacuate cause i kno how bad i messed up w/ caitlyn. i don't want us to end and i really don't want us to end on a bad note so i find myself always afraid of losin what i have. but everytime i talk to her i feel reassured that i won't lose her, but the fear never fully leaves that i'll mess up like i mess up all the rest of the time. i don't wanna screw us up. but my heart is tellin me to trust that this time, maybe this will be the right time. it feels right, and i'm very happy, so it must be right. so i'm goin to take one day at a time, and just love megean w/ all my heart and soul and hopw that this will work out.
I LOVE U MEGEAN!!!!! |
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| hi |
[Apr. 27th, 2005|06:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relaxed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the reason by hoobastank (i think) | ] |
long time since i wrote last...lets see....i'll run through a quick update on everything that has happened. I got a gf named Caitlyn, we broke up. My dad was diagnosed w/ cancer and its in his brain, lungs, and liver. I got a gf named Megean. I love her to death and I'll love her forever and always. I've given up on my paretns cause I no longer give a fuck what they say. They don't care bout me and i don't care bout them so fuck them. lets see...what else...um...well, i got a 58 in precalc so i kno my parents will be pissed...but i really don't care. Thats about it. More to come later, just thought i'd write an update since its been a while. |
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| Depressed |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|04:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I always thought that being depressed meant thinking about suicide a lot, but I now know differently. I have been extremely depressed the last week. My cousin Eric died on Wendsday, February 9th at 8:19 AM. He had fallen three stories and landed on his head on the cement floor. He died 45 minutes after my aunt took him off life support. Since then I have been really depressed. I sleep a lot more than usual and still am always tired. I also don't really care about doing the things I usually love to do. Everything is going on around me but I don't feel like joining in. I hate the mood I'm in but I don't know how to get out of it. Oh well...I guess thats about it...I don't really feel like writing either but I haven't written in a while so now I did. |
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